Today was a pretty great day. Productive. I had my coffee. But this afternoon it did get pretty sad and horrible. My heart is breaking for my hubby. And me I guess. And the boys.
Aaron's been in bed a lot the past few days, which is understandable and fine, but it makes me sad for him, and I feel guilty like I should be having him do "things". He came out into the living room this afternoon and I was telling him how nice it is to see him and see his face, not just in passing into the dark bedroom as I'm putting away laundry, getting ready, or giving him pills..Or him walking back and forth to the bathroom. It got our convo going and I told him about my guilt, and he told me not to feel guilty because he loves his rest. We joked around about several scenarios in which I could be mean and force him to do things.
The conversation went on for quite a while, and he brought up how the boys need a "manly man" in their lives to teach them, and he feels like the boys look at him like he's a whimp. I told him that's of course not the case, that they know he's sick. I ended up insisting on us making a list of things he wants the boys to know. He didn't want me to, but I say talk is cheap, especially when he has memory issues, so we need to write ideas down right when they're discussed or they'll get forgotten. Anyways, this was VERY frustrating for him. He couldn't think. I was trying to remind him of his old loves, aspirations, passions and he has forgotten :((((( These things are who he is! I refuse to forget. These things I have always admired in him, but took them for granted, but now am soooo missing them. His loves for knowledge, God, religion, linguistics, cultures, history, art! :(( It troubles me so. I was bringing up things that I knew the "pre-tumor" Aaron would want his boys to know and learn, and at first it was all frustrating and upsetting and he got emotional and I felt SO BAD for him. I hate this. But it got better as I took control and wrote down everything and assured him that I would take the reigns. He just doesn't feel like he can sit and teach the boys anymore because his brain doesn't work like that anymore. He has an awesome library, so I'm going to start leading a family night/s where we learn these things, among others he mentioned. I love him so much and I want so badly for people to never forget who he is (was before tumor). He's so amazing, I love him.
On the other hand, it breaks my heart that the man I love and who has been my best friend all these years, and who I fell in love with having all these attributes that I admired so, is just not the same :( But I still see him as that person. There's no way I will ever forget who the real Aaron is. It's hard though.
This is taken when we were just barely dating. Sooooo in love <3
Aaron's been in bed a lot the past few days, which is understandable and fine, but it makes me sad for him, and I feel guilty like I should be having him do "things". He came out into the living room this afternoon and I was telling him how nice it is to see him and see his face, not just in passing into the dark bedroom as I'm putting away laundry, getting ready, or giving him pills..Or him walking back and forth to the bathroom. It got our convo going and I told him about my guilt, and he told me not to feel guilty because he loves his rest. We joked around about several scenarios in which I could be mean and force him to do things.
The conversation went on for quite a while, and he brought up how the boys need a "manly man" in their lives to teach them, and he feels like the boys look at him like he's a whimp. I told him that's of course not the case, that they know he's sick. I ended up insisting on us making a list of things he wants the boys to know. He didn't want me to, but I say talk is cheap, especially when he has memory issues, so we need to write ideas down right when they're discussed or they'll get forgotten. Anyways, this was VERY frustrating for him. He couldn't think. I was trying to remind him of his old loves, aspirations, passions and he has forgotten :((((( These things are who he is! I refuse to forget. These things I have always admired in him, but took them for granted, but now am soooo missing them. His loves for knowledge, God, religion, linguistics, cultures, history, art! :(( It troubles me so. I was bringing up things that I knew the "pre-tumor" Aaron would want his boys to know and learn, and at first it was all frustrating and upsetting and he got emotional and I felt SO BAD for him. I hate this. But it got better as I took control and wrote down everything and assured him that I would take the reigns. He just doesn't feel like he can sit and teach the boys anymore because his brain doesn't work like that anymore. He has an awesome library, so I'm going to start leading a family night/s where we learn these things, among others he mentioned. I love him so much and I want so badly for people to never forget who he is (was before tumor). He's so amazing, I love him.
On the other hand, it breaks my heart that the man I love and who has been my best friend all these years, and who I fell in love with having all these attributes that I admired so, is just not the same :( But I still see him as that person. There's no way I will ever forget who the real Aaron is. It's hard though.
I'm so sorry Heidi :( As your friend, I wish there was something I could do to fix this. To take it away or at least make it better. You have done such a wonderful job with all this, and I find your love for Aaron uplifting. Even before the cancer happened, I always found your guys relationship inspiring. Anyone could see the great love that you have for each other, and still can. That was a great idea coming up with the family night where you teach the boys Aaron's passions. His legacy is so important! And pre-tumor Aaron was a great man. I completely agree with you. I know that Adam and I will never forget who the outstanding, amazing person he was pre-tumor. I'm here for you for any support you need, and I will pray my heart out!!
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