Saddened

Today was a pretty great day. Productive. I had my coffee. But this afternoon it did get pretty sad and horrible. My heart is breaking for my hubby. And me I guess. And the boys.
Aaron's been in bed a lot the past few days, which is understandable and fine, but it makes me sad for him, and I feel guilty like I should be having him do "things". He came out into the living room this afternoon and I was telling him how nice it is to see him and see his face, not just in passing into the dark bedroom as I'm putting away laundry, getting ready, or giving him pills..Or him walking back and forth to the bathroom. It got our convo going and I told him about my guilt, and he told me not to feel guilty because he loves his rest. We joked around about several scenarios in which I could be mean and force him to do things.
The conversation went on for quite a while, and he brought up how the boys need a "manly man" in their lives to teach them, and he feels like the boys look at him like he's a whimp. I told him that's of course not the case, that they know he's sick.  I ended up insisting on us making a list of things he wants the boys to know. He didn't want me to, but I say talk is cheap, especially when he has memory issues, so we need to write ideas down right when they're discussed or they'll get forgotten. Anyways, this was VERY frustrating for him. He couldn't think. I was trying to remind him of his old loves, aspirations, passions and he has forgotten :(((((  These things are who he is! I refuse to forget. These things I have always admired in him, but took them for granted, but now am soooo missing them. His loves for knowledge, God, religion, linguistics, cultures, history, art!  :(( It troubles me so. I was bringing up things that I knew the "pre-tumor" Aaron would want his boys to know and learn, and at first it was all frustrating and upsetting and he got emotional and I felt SO BAD for him. I hate this.  But it got better as I took control and wrote down everything and assured him that I would take the reigns. He just doesn't feel like he can sit and teach the boys anymore because his brain doesn't work like that anymore. He has an awesome library, so I'm going to start leading a family night/s where we learn these things, among others he mentioned. I love him so much and I want so badly for people to never forget who he is (was before tumor). He's so amazing, I love him.
On the other hand, it breaks my heart that the man I love and who has been my best friend all these years, and who I fell in love with having all these attributes that I admired so, is just not the same :( But I still see him as that person. There's no way I will ever forget who the real Aaron is. It's hard though.

This is taken when we were just barely dating. Sooooo in love <3

Sigh....(good sigh)

I've been meaning to post for a couple days now but my computer was acting up. Had lots to say, but not sure whether to rehash it all. Anywhoo..

So in the past years, oh, I'd say since I became a mom, I've been a very selfless person. To the extreme. I can't say "no" to anyone. I'm always available, even if I don't want to be, or really do have a good enough reason to say "no" to most people, most anything isn't a good enough excuse to me, to tell people I'm unavailable to help them. UHG! Quite the big stressor in my life. BUT! Today I had some eureka moment apparently, and will be telling people "no" from here on out, and putting my needs first (psychological, emotional, and family needs!) This is for my own good, and my family's. I'm realizing that this next, however long, months that I have with my husband (hopefully more like a year is what I'm hoping for..or forever! I'll take forever!) is going to go by so fast (as the past 13 months have flown by) and that I'm going to not even realize what happened because all I ever do is please please please people!!!! I'm so mad at myself for this!! I take on all these extra favors for people, and then I'm consumed by them, and it makes my weeks go by faster because all I'm doing is living week by week, on these other peoples schedules :( HATE IT! So.....the boundaries are going up, I'm preparing myself to say "no", and I'm putting myself, and my family first.

It feels wrong saying that. Since I became a Christian, it's all about dying to yourself, and putting others above yourself, which I do agree with, but really, there is a line that needs to be drawn. The world teaches put yourself first. It's completely all about self satisfaction. I've been completely against this idea. And even the idea of 'put yourself first, because if you don't, how are you going to be able to help others?' Blah blah blah...but I'm really starting  to kinda see that (IN A WAY). I'm not saying I'm going to become a completely selfish person, but literally I have no boundaries for people. I really do have DOORMAT stamped on my forehead, and it's my own fault! No one else's. :(  UHG. But things are looking up, it'll be okay.

On another note, Aaron's been resting lots today. He had his upper and lower scopes yesterday and all is clear and looks good. So now he can begin his big chemo's again on Tuesday. He's been off them for a couple months. And guess what I get to do! Because I don't know how to say 'no' to people (this was before my eureka moment today, and when I agree to something I don't back out so...) anyways, I get to babysit all day! Oh well....this next week is going to be the week from hell, with school shopping and school starting up, but after this next week, I'm done with the favors people! Done! k? lol jk...Oh, and did I mention I love my friends and family who have all the awesome support and logic. They really help me. Thanks guys! :)

Change of subject:  my brother, Hans, called me this morning to tell me he cheated death yet again.  Apparently he was driving a tractor down a hill by the river, making a dirt road down to the bottom so that it's easily accessable, and the tractor tipped over on him! He was pinned underneath, but escaped from injury because he just happened to land on soft dirt that he had just dumped there. Praise the Lord! I did tell him he needs to realize that God was watching over him, and he said, "well, if he's there, he definitely should get props for it." ..........anyways....THANK YOU JESUS

When I told Aaron about it, he asked if Hans drove back from Laramie with my mom lastnight. He was confused for some reason. Hans nor my mom were here, nor have they been here for months. Anyways, welcome to my world. Poor guy.

I'm gonna go now, and enjoy my coffee and tidy up. I'll report back later! :)

Bittersweet-ish

Ohhhh boy. Not feelin it man. 
 I have a question: How do I blog without hurting peoples' feelings while being honest?? How on earth am I ever going to share this blog with anyone...hmm. That's the point of a blog right? Rawness/Honesty? huh..anyways...This is a pic of Aaron and lil Aaron playing drums in the background for worship.

After church, Isaac knew he didn't get to play any video games for the rest of the day, so he asked his dad to play with him. (they get free play on video games if they play with their dad because it's time they get to spend together). They played for 3 hours! yikes, but they had fun.

I'll start here

So I decided to start a blog. Another blog. It's been a long time coming, but I keep putting it off thinking it's not necessary. I need somewhere I can come and let it all out. I held back until now because I felt like sharing my feelings, or what's going on in our lives is like betrayal or something..Idk...I'm planning on using this as a journal (somewhat) so I will be sharing a lot, and probably rambling a lot, so my appologies ahead of time! And excuse my rawness!!!